When It's Not About You
Sometimes that weight on your chest isn't caused by anything you've done wrong.
I learned that again last week.
I'd had what I thought was a promising chemistry call through an associate organisation about six weeks earlier. Then... radio silence. Of course, my immediate thoughts went straight to the usual suspects:
I didn't perform well on that call
She didn't seem to connect with me
That's another piece of work I've let slip through my grasp
The reality? When I finally plucked up the courage to chase up, I discovered the client had hit budget constraints and decided not to fund any coaching. In fact, she'd quite enjoyed our conversation.
Here's what I'm learning about this tendency to assume it's always about us and our failings - it runs much deeper than just new business nerves.
The Weight of Being the Go-To Person
If you're leading at a senior level, you're used to being the one people come to for answers. When things go wrong, it feels natural to look inward first. What did I miss? What could I have done differently? How did I let this happen?
But sometimes projects never deliver on time, no matter how much effort you pour in. Sometimes the job changes around you, and it's not about how hard you work. Sometimes it's your boss who's struggling, and their restructure is about them, not whether you belong there anymore.
The psychologists call it fundamental attribution error - we dial down the situational factors (it wasn't about me at all) and dial up the personal ones. We do it with others too:
He's late because he's disorganised (rather than stuck in unexpected traffic)
They missed the deadline because they're struggling (rather than the timeline was unrealistic from the start)
She seemed distant in the meeting because she doesn't rate my ideas (rather than she's dealing with a family crisis)
But we're especially harsh when we turn it on ourselves.
What This Looks Like in Practice
In my short time working directly with clients, I'm learning to take the rough with the smooth. Most of the time, it genuinely isn't about me:
The project gets cancelled because financial pressures have hit the organisation and budgets are slashed across the board.
The leadership programme is postponed because there are internal challenges getting people released from their day jobs.
The coaching engagement gets pushed because other priorities have suddenly emerged that demand immediate attention.
It's not about me. And it's probably not about you either.
The Leader's Dilemma
This hits differently when you're in a senior role. You're expected to own outcomes, to take responsibility, to be the steady presence others need. That's good leadership. But it can also mean you carry weight that isn't yours to bear.
What happens when the market shifts and your carefully planned strategy becomes irrelevant overnight? When the merger you've been preparing for gets called off at the last minute? When the team member you've been developing decides to leave for completely personal reasons?
If you're navigating this kind of complexity right now, you'll recognise the pattern. The immediate instinct to look inward, to question your judgement, to wonder what you missed.
Learning to Consider All the Factors
It's not about growing a thicker skin or becoming indifferent to outcomes. It's about learning to pause and consider all the possible factors when things don't go according to plan.
Sometimes it really is about something you could have done differently. Those moments matter, and the reflection is valuable.
But more often than not, there are forces at play that were always beyond your influence. Market conditions, organisational politics, timing, other people's personal circumstances, budget pressures you weren't aware of.
The skill is learning to distinguish between the two.
What I'm Learning
I'm still on this journey. Still catching myself spiralling into self-doubt when a conversation doesn't lead anywhere or a proposal doesn't land the way I hoped.
But I'm getting better at stepping back and asking: what else might be going on here that I can't see?
The answer is usually: quite a lot.
If you're carrying weight that might not be yours to bear, perhaps it's worth asking that same question. What else might be going on that you can't see from where you're sitting?
Sometimes the most important thing you can do as a leader is recognise when it genuinely isn't about you - and give yourself permission to let go of that particular weight.
After all, you've got enough real challenges to focus on without carrying imaginary ones too.
