Why accepting help isn’t a failure
This week’s lesson is personal. And it’s one I don’t seem to learn.
I’ve described my role before as my clients’ “leadership soigneur” – the equivalent of the person in each professional cycling team who’s there at the end of every day on the bike. Who attends to the physical and mental needs of the cyclists they look after. Helping them to get back on their saddle tomorrow.
But who’s mine?
I have someone who is trying to be. I was introduced to Helen at a local networking group. She’s a “virtual assistant” – someone who takes on day-to-day tasks, so that business owners can focus on the work only they can do.
Yesterday we met online to discuss how it might work. But every time she tried to explain the things she could take off me, all I could think was “How can she do that? I have a specific way of doing it. It’s too hard to let go.”
Later, thinking about our discussion, my friend Gareth came to mind. (Gareth has featured here before. He is a key character in the story of how I came up with Breakaway – my coaching and cycling offer*.)
But before that, he was my King Alfred’s Way buddy. The KAW (as no-one calls it) is a 350km off-road cycling loop around southern England. It starts and ends in Winchester, and links ancient trails like the Ridgeway and the South Downs Way.
Our plan was to do it in four days, carrying all our kit with us in bike frame bags – bikepacking. At the last minute some work stuff came up so Gareth had to miss the second day. It meant that on day one, as he was going home that night, he had very little kit on his bike. Whereas I was loaded up.
Throughout the day, he kept offering to carry some of my stuff. I steadfastly refused. Until he looked at me, with care in his eyes and asked me, “why do you find it so hard to accept offers of help?”
Oof.
I could go deep here – stuff about always feeling like I had to be the strong one, the achiever, growing up – but that’s not what you come here for.
The truth is, when I thought about it later, over a solo dinner, I realised that accepting help felt like I was failing the commitment I’d made. I’d signed up to do this, and it was my job to carry all my stuff. But the real commitment was to finish, not to carry every single kilo alone. Together, we could have shared the load.
I’ve slipped back into that pattern. Which can happen when you run your own business. I made the commitment to make a success of it, and so I see everything as my responsibility to deliver on that.
Whether you work for yourself, or you lead others, that kind of thinking comes at a cost. For me it’s tiredness and working weekends. Something I promised myself a few months ago I’d stop doing.
Each of the tasks Helen and I talked about only takes a few minutes. It feels like outsourcing them to someone else is a luxury. But as she helped me realise, those few minutes all add up. They add weight on my shoulders.
I want my business to reflect who I am, but accepting help doesn’t mean I’m handing over my voice, or compromising on quality.
It also doesn’t mean giving everything over at once. I could start small – like letting someone manage my diary. Someone who can ask, “Do you really need that meeting?” Someone who can challenge me and probe, “When are you having time for yourself this week?”
Someone who can get me ready for the road ahead – like a soigneur would.
There is no neat bow ready to tie this story up. Helen and I are still exploring how this might work. And I can feel that there will be lots of tough decisions for me to make.
But here is what I commit to.
I’m going to let go, small pedal reps at a time. Accept that offer of help and let Helen take some bags off my bike.
What are you struggling to let go of? Get in touch and let’s see if we can work on that together.
*What’s Breakaway, you ask? I’m glad you did. It’s time out on the bike, using the power of nature to work out what’s holding you back. And for a limited time only I have early bird pricing on my flagship programme – Breakaway Andalusia. A leader cycling retreat with a difference. Click here to find out more.
