What Use Am I?

That hit home. I hear you, and I am you.

My client had just said that out loud in a coaching session. We were exploring purpose – that most fundamental of topics that comes up time and time again in my leadership work. Specifically, we were unpicking the tensions between what we want to be doing and what we feel we must. Or more precisely, what patterns and "truths" we've locked ourselves into.

It was a powerful moment for him. Led us into an impactful discussion about what makes us happy, how we define ourselves, and the pressures we put on ourselves.

What landed differently for me was how close this conversation was to home.

Because I was there. Not that long ago. Sitting at my desk thinking the exact same thing.

Have I hit my level of incompetence? The infamous Peter Principle playing out in real time? I can't go on like this, but I don't know what the alternative is. People rely on me. I can't let them down.

There was me, defining my success by the job title, the six-figure salary, the size of my team. Was it making me happy? Demonstrably no. I was miserable as sin.

So I did what I thought was logical. I'd apply for new jobs. More Director roles, more top-table accountability. There will be somewhere I fit, somewhere that feels like home, where I can still earn the big money, have the fancy title, drive the latest car.

Except I kept getting variations on the same feedback: "Mark's great. He has all the experience, skills, and knowledge we want. He'd fit in round here. He feels like a great team player. But..."

There was always a but.

"Something doesn't feel right. He seems bruised. I don't know if this is what he wants."

They could see it. Why couldn't I?

Here's what I've learned since: when you're trying to convince yourself something is right, everyone else can tell. The interviewers could see I was going through the motions. Ticking boxes. Trying to force myself into a shape that didn't fit anymore.

I needed to do something different. I needed a plan.

And that's how it started. I slowly worked my way through a series of questions. Not in some nice logical order – it was messy and squiggly and took me a couple of months. Questions like: What am I actually good at? What do I like doing at work versus what drains me? Do I want to work for other people, or for myself? If the latter, can I afford it? What are my finances like, long-term and short-term? How long can I take to figure this out? What do I need to keep my family safe, in our home, and fed? Who do I know who's made this work? Who can I talk to?

But the most important questions were these:

In a year's time, what will give me joy? How do I want to define myself? Where do I see myself, when I picture this?

And that was that. I started on the journey to a much more purposeful life. A life where I walk shoulder-to-shoulder with people, teams, and organisations who are stuck, and help them connect to a better future, together.

A life where I stand on the train platform of a morning, not with a sense of dread. Not fighting for that special place in my favourite carriage (Thameslink – if you know, you know). Not ready to open the laptop so I can manage my anxiety before I walk into the office.

But a life where I stand on that platform with coffee in hand, smile on my face, excited about the day ahead.

A life I now have. This was me last week.

What use am I? Well, much more so to my family and friends now that I'm happy, focused, and making my way in the world doing what gives me purpose.

If you're carrying that question right now – "what use am I?" – here's what I'd offer: it's not about finding the perfect answer. It's about being honest enough to ask the question in the first place. That's where it starts.