What does Jamie need?
...and why is it so hard for her to ask?
Yesterday, I had a coaching session with a CEO in transition.
Jamie (not her real name) is stepping into the big role and working with me to smooth the move. But throughout our conversation, all I heard was what everyone else needs and how she wants to be fair to them.
Her outgoing boss needs reassurance.
The board needs confidence.
Her team needs stability.
Everyone's needs were crystal clear - except her own.
It got me thinking: what does it take for us to be clear on what we actually need?
The quiet ones
Yes, there are many leaders who don’t struggle with this. They bulldoze through everything in their path - and they have their own challenges around culture, respect, and behaviour.
But, I'm talking about the quieter ones. The natural servant leaders who are brilliant at seeing what others need but often struggle to articulate their own requirements. This ability to understand what others need from them, is a fantastic trait to have, but when left unchecked, it leaves them exhausted from:
Second-guessing the boss
Doing other people's work
Maintaining the status quo when change is needed
These are the leaders I find myself drawn to coaching. The ones who need permission to be clear on their own needs. Not to change their personality - but to allow themselves to accept their own needs are as valid as others.
Why this matters more than you think
These quieter, more relational leaders have enormous value to offer organisations.
They naturally take responsibility for their teams, they're often very values-driven, and they support others' growth. And they're loyal - sometimes to a fault.
But here's where that loyalty can turn problematic. They can defer too often to those more senior than them out of "respect." Take on too much for others, because it feels fair. They also might avoid difficult conversations because they don't want to seem demanding.
Unless we address this pattern, it leads to the very reason this type of leader eventually seeks coaching: they feel their contributions go unrecognised, they're overwhelmed, and they become frustrated when the values they hold dear feel undermined by the organisation.
Back to Jamie
Where did we get to in our session?
Eventually, she worked out that even though she held fairness as a core value, she also needed to be clearer about what she required for success. That fairness needed to flow both ways. And that conversation with her predecessor needed to happen tomorrow, not next week or next month.
The shift was subtle but powerful. Instead of "How can I make this work for everyone?" it became "What do I need to make this work, and how do I have that conversation respectfully?"
Without that clarity, she was never going to be in control of this transition. It was going to happen to her, not for her.
What clarity actually looks like
Being clear on your needs doesn't mean abandoning your values of respect and fairness. It means:
Having honest conversations about expectations rather than assuming you should figure it out alone
Asking for the resources you need before you're drowning
Recognising that your success enables everyone else's
It's not about becoming selfish. It's about becoming sustainable.
The question for you
Are you a servant-type leader? The inclusive one who cares deeply about others' growth and wellbeing? If you are, I applaud you. We need more leaders like you.
But here's my question: what do you actually need right now? And what's stopping you from asking for it?
If you're stepping into a bigger role and finding yourself caught between what everyone else needs and what you know you need to succeed, maybe it's time for a conversation.
I work with leaders who want to lead with both heart and clarity. If that sounds like something you need, get in touch.
