He's not small... he's just far away

What happens when leadership makes you feel smaller than you are?

I was presenting some challenging data to my boss. Nothing earth-shattering - just trying to raise the bar, show what it would take for us to really upgrade the quality of leadership across the business. You know, the kind of conversation that should energise a senior team.

Her response?

"This won't work... You don't get this business... I thought you knew what you were doing."

Ouch.

In that moment, I felt about two inches tall. Not because the feedback was harsh (I can handle direct), but because it was designed to shrink me. To squeeze me down into the tiny space she wanted me in - below her, questioning myself, playing small.

Here's what I've learned since: some leaders diminish others to feel bigger themselves. And if you're reading this, chances are you've been on the receiving end of that crushing feeling too.

The confidence player dilemma

I'm what football pundits call "a confidence player." When my head's in the game, I'm sharp, adaptable, able to tackle whatever complexity gets thrown my way. But when I start to doubt? Those capabilities begin to erode, even though the talent hasn't gone anywhere.

Sound familiar? You deliver - you always do. You're the one people come to for clarity, for solutions, for steady leadership through the chaos. But the environment around you, the leaders above you - they have enormous power over whether you do that work feeling energised and capable, or small and second-guessing yourself.

The difference isn't about tiptoeing around feedback or lowering standards. The leaders who got the best from me never did that. What they did was give me clear direction, the right support when I needed it, space to work things out, and stretch that pushed me just outside my comfort zone - not into self-doubt.

The ones who didn't? Well, I remember them too. The ones who chipped away, undermined publicly, stole credit, and let their need for control make me feel diminished and less capable than I actually was.

A question of perspective

There's a photo I took recently of a cyclist on the Tissington Trail (the one at the top of this piece). The limestone walls tower above, the figure looks tiny against the scale of the cutting. But here's the thing - he's not actually small. It’s just perspective.

What happens when the leaders around you create environments that make you feel smaller than you are? When you start questioning your judgement, your capabilities, your worth to the organisation?

You begin to lead from that contracted place. You second-guess decisions you'd normally make confidently. You hold back insights that could shift the conversation. You start performing your role rather than truly inhabiting it.

The view from here

These days, my boss (me) is quite a different leader. He recognises my talents, gives me space to use them, and rewards good work with regular hours on the bike. Funny how that works.

But this isn't just about escaping to consulting. It's about understanding that perspective really is everything. You can be as effective and fulfilled as a leader as you choose to be - you just need to step back and see yourself clearly again.

That means recognising when you're being diminished and finding ways to reclaim your full scale. Sometimes that's a difficult conversation. Sometimes it's changing how you respond to undermining behaviour. And sometimes, yes, it's changing your environment entirely.

The question isn't whether you're capable - you are. The question is whether you're in a place that allows you to show it.

What's your perspective telling you?

If you're leading from a place that feels too small for who you actually are, that's not a personal failing. That's data. Information about the environment you're in and the leadership around you.

You deserve to work somewhere that sees your full capabilities, not somewhere that needs you smaller to feel comfortable.

What would change if you started leading from that knowledge?